Rictusempra
by the Barn
Summary: An amusing little piece about the trials and tribulations of a Slytherin and a Gryffindor... Chapter 3 uploaded!
1. Of giggles and potions

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, the plot excepted, is the intellectual property of J. K. Rowling.  
  
Authors' Notes: This is a collaborative effort between the Barn and Oompa (take a minute-or several- to go read her other works...). It may take us a while to put out a new chapter, but hopefully they'll be worth the wait. This first chapter is relatively short, as we're still working out the plot, but we hope you like it!  
  
***  
  
Draco Malfoy despised giggles.   
  
He hated giggling girls so much that he often sent those giggling fiends a patented Malfoy I-will-hex-your-lips-off-if-you-don't-stop-that-inane-stupidity glare.  
  
But the one thing he hated even more than a giggling girl was a giggling boy.  
  
Because, through some inexplicable phenomenon that earned him several beatings as a child, Draco was prone to catching the contagious male-giggle. And a Malfoy was not one to giggle. Chuckle, yes, but giggling was not tolerated. Lucius Malfoy would not raise an effeminate heir.  
  
So Draco learned at an early age how to seal his own mouth if ever there was some errant male around that couldn't control his humour. Or if a weak Rictusempra was cast near anything with a penis (a strong Rictusempra produced fits of laughter, which was all right with the Malfoys. But no giggling, ever).  
  
But more than anything, Draco Malfoy hated Harry Potter.  
  
At the moment, it wasn't because the Boy Who Lived was a stupid Scarfaced Pottyhead (Draco's inner 11-year-old was still smarting from that "I think I can tell the wrong sort for myself, thanks" comment from so long ago)- and it wasn't for all those other reasons that had accumulated throughout their years at Hogwarts.   
  
No, Draco hated Harry Potter for just one reason at the moment: his hair.  
  
His messy, unkempt hair. His hair that refused to lay flat. His hair that could only be tamed by the slobber of Fang, the boarhound. And the nice, clean, meticulous Draco Malfoy did NOT go near enough Hagrid's hut to see that dog.  
  
***  
  
It had all started innocently enough. Professor Snape had been in a particularly foul mood all week, and the culmination of that brooding had been the partnering of a Malfoy and a Potter during Friday's Potions class.  
  
  
"Listen up!" Snape barked. "This potion isn't particularly tricky, so I expect everyone"- here he glared at Neville Longbottom- "to manage a decent draft. Of course, it's also easy enough to convert to a poison, should one make too many careless mistakes,"- here Neville audibly gulped- "so proceed with caution. The effects of a properly-prepared potion will manifest within the next 24-hours and will last throughout the weekend. I expect an 13-inch parchment on what you've learned about this particular potion and your own experiences with it on Monday. Points WILL be taken off for extremes in length, whether too short or too long, so keep the essay concise and precise. You may begin."  
  
Draco and Harry eyed each other warily as they approached their lab table. They fell into a silent working pattern: Harry sliced the boomslang skin while Draco added the powdered bicorn horn, etc. It seemed that neither one of them felt daring enough to start insulting the other; this was probably true for Harry, but Draco was really too worried about Neville Longbottom to pay much attention to Harry. The bumbling Gryffindor had been prone to fits of giggling since botching a batch of the Liquid Cachinnus at the end of their 5th year, and the last thing Draco wanted to was to start giggling while working with Harry blasted Potter.  
  
All work seemed to be going along rather smoothly. Maybe too smoothly, for just a few minutes later, Seamus Finnegan managed to blow up his and Millicent Bulstrode's work. Various projectiles rifled through the air, and an errant spoon hit Draco in the head. Draco's hands immediately flew to his perfectly sculpted hair and nearly shrieked when he felt the "damage" the utensil had caused. As he hurried to fix it, Harry watched all this in amusement, running a hand through his own black mop. When he snickered, Draco stopped and snarled, "So Potter, you think this is funny? Just because your own personal grooming habits are lacking doesn't mean that everyone has to follow the path of the great Scarface."  
  
Just as Harry was about to retort, Snape's voice intervened, "Mr. Potter, if you would kindly get back to your work, maybe we can salvage the rest of the hour in peace? Five points from Gryffindor... Mr. Finnegan, clean up that mess. You may go to the Infirmary after your workspace is spotless, and I suggest you don't scratch that..."  
  
Harry rolled his eyes out of Snape's line of vision and finished the potion while Draco nursed his hair. They divided the potion, quickly gulped it down, and nearly choked on the foul aftertaste. After Snape dismissed the class, Harry called after Draco, "I've got Quidditch practiced tomorrow morning, so we'll meet in the Great Hall after lunch to discuss the effects of the potion, alright?"  
  
Draco sneered and replied, "What makes you think you can order *me* around? We'll meet in the *library* after lunch, where we can look for a book to determine the potion made. Jeez, Potter, hasn't the Mudblood taught you anything about research?" With that, Draco sauntered off toward the Slytherin common room.  
  
Harry stared after him for a moment, then shook his head and went off to find Hermione and Ron.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, a piercing scream ripped through the castle.  
  
***  
  
Authors' Notes: Heh, a bit of a cliffie... Don't worry if you didn't understand some references made early on in the fic. All will be explained in due time. Please review! We love reviews... and we work much faster knowing that someone out there is waiting for an update! 


	2. Of combs and Quidditch

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, the plot excepted, is the intellectual property of J. K. Rowling.  
  
Authors' Notes: Thanks to RaistlinofMetallica and Jalee for being our first two reviewers! This chapter is for you.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, a piercing scream ripped through the castle.  
  
***  
  
Draco stared in the mirror in what can only be described as abject horror.  
  
The mirror, to its credit, had chosen to remain quiet. Of course, it was also possible that the looking-glass was just too shocked to speak.  
  
Instead of seeing his perfect reflection smiling back at him, Draco was met with something from only the worst nightmares.  
  
Black hair. Uncombed, unkempt, messy, nasty black hair. Did the powers-that-be not realize that black hair does NOT go with perfectly pale skin and silvery-grey eyes?  
  
Well, on second thought... He still looked damn good, if entirely alien. Maybe a Greek god type.  
  
He was going to *kill* whoever did this to him.  
  
But first, he was going to comb his hair.  
  
***  
  
Harry awoke to various pokes, proddings, and "Oi, Harry, what happened to you?" Groggily, the Boy Who Lived sat up, fumbled with his glasses, and found himself being stared at by all his dorm mates.  
  
"What's wrong with you guys? Ron? Seamus? Dean??" That inquiry was answered only by Ron's finger pointing in the general direction of Harry's forehead. "What, is it my scar or something? It doesn't hurt..." Harry rushed to the bathroom mirror to check and was met by the most amazing sight: perfectly-placed blonde hair sitting atop a slightly-tanned, wide-green-eyed face. His jaw dropped as he leaned forward for a closer inspection. His first logical thoughts were that Malfoy had something to do with this sudden transformation.  
  
He cautiously poked his new "crowning glory", thinking of the term Aunt Petunia had once used to mock his usual windswept black hair, and found that it was slightly gelled. Every slick strand of this blonde substitute had a position and violently adhered to it; that is, until Harry's hand suddenly ran through from back to front.  
  
Harry looked in the mirror again to admire his work; he was used to dealing with a mop on his head, not a moussed shell. After a few more backward strokes, he was ready to exit the bathroom.  
  
When he re-entered the dorm room, his mates seemed to have snapped out of their shock and were discussing the possibilities of the Chudley Cannons getting a good trade deal on a new Chaser.   
  
Harry, in an almost-Hermione moment, nearly rolled his eyes at how Quidditch was a cure-all for the average teenaged wizard. Then again, he was also thisclose to joining in the conversation when he realized that he had the Brain of Gryffindor at his disposal. After she was properly caffeined-up, she was open to giving help and advice on mostly anything.  
  
But a quick glance at the clock told him it would be fifteen more minutes until that useful period of Hermione's Cleverness.  
  
And, in Harry's mind, that was fifteen minutes to talk about Quidditch.  
  
***  
  
Authors' Notes (okay, just the Barn's Notes): I'm posting this without talking to Oompa first (bad me, I know), but I'm hoping that some Internet use will make me drowsy and allow me to fall back to sleep.  
  
RaistlinofMetallica- Worry not! We didn't hurt Draco... just messed with head, so to speak. ^^;  
  
Jalee- Five points to your House for guessing that we'd give Draco messy hair! Thanks for the compliments.  
  
Oh, by the way, Oompa says that we're review-hungry... so please let us know what you think so far! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and we'll give full kudos and credit to any inspiration that you might give us. Thanks! 


	3. Of Hermione and noses

Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, the plot excepted, is the intellectual property of J. K. Rowling.  
  
Authors' Notes: It has been brought to our attention that some really, really stupid capitalist fool out there has completely botched the 'Rictusempra' charm/spell/whatever in HP:CoS and the CoS game. Thanks to Helen for the heads up, and here is our view on the spell.  
  
- In the book, which was written by the very woman who *created* all things Harry Potter, 'Rictusempra' is a laughing spell. I don't know why Warner Bros. (the like culprit, and sorry if it's not) decided to change it to a knocking-out spell.  
- We're hoping this fic will be rather funny... we try, you know. So we (okay, the Barn) thought it would be cute to title the hopefully-funny fic "Rictusempra" as a sort of play on words. Click on the laughing spell and get some laughs from Harry and Draco!  
  
Hope that clears up any confusion regarding 'Rictusempra' and its importance to the fic. We're just trying to use as much of JKR's original stuff as possible.  
  
***  
  
Hermione considered herself to be a fairly serious girl who knew the difference between honest humour and mindless silliness. She was not prone to fits of blushing over appearances, although embarrassment was a perfectly acceptable excuse.  
  
However, she didn't know whether she was feeling embarrassment or an newfound admiration for Harry's sudden change. All she knew was that, here she was, sitting in the Gryffindor common room with red cheeks and a fit of giggles. She was giggling, *giggling*, for goodness' sake, and over one of her longest friends.  
  
Although, to her sillier side's credit, blonde hair wasn't that bad of a look on Harry Potter.  
  
Said boy currently looked annoyed that his normally staid friend was reduced to a fit of girlish chuckling over, of all things, Draco Malfoy's hair. That the blonde coiffure was indeed Slytherin was something he had confirmed between Hermione's attempts to compose herself.  
  
After a few more minutes, Hermione managed to stop making noise in general. She fanned her flushed face and blew out a breath.  
  
"Okay, Harry, let's talk about this again. You and Malfoy worked on that potion yesterday, and today you woke up with his *hair*?"  
  
"Yes! Is there a potion that switches hair? Or something?"  
  
"I've never come across any potions like that in any of my research... but, then again, I'm not one to keep up with the current wizarding beauty products." Hermione looked pensive for a moment. "But why would Snape assign a beauty product assignment? That just doesn't make sense."  
  
"I really don't know, Hermione. If you haven't got any ideas, maybe I'd better go talk to Malfoy." He stood up and walked over to Ron's chessboard. Just then, he realized he was late. "Bloody hell, Hermione, I've got Quidditch practice in five minutes, and look at me!" He sighed as Hermione shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"You might as well just live with it and get to practice. I'll recruit Ron for the library while you're out, and you can meet us in there later" she offered.  
  
Harry held up his hand. "Good luck trying to get Ron to help. He's up talking Quidditch with Dean and Seamus. Besides, I'm meeting Malfoy in the library after lunch. We were supposed to discuss the effects of the potion... Hermione, what if he's got my hair? Can you just imagine the look on his face?" At that mental images, both Gryffindors started laughing. "I'll meet you and Ron for lunch; let me know if you find anything then."  
  
Hermione watched as Harry exited the common room. Her mind was racing, reviewing the ingredients from the day before. 'Boomslang skin... powdered bicorn horn... stewed lacewings..."   
  
Suddenly, a lightbulb went in her mind. She flew up to the boys' 7th-year dorm, pounded on the door, and yelled, "Ronald Weasley, if you don't get your head out of Quidditch and into the library in this instant, I *swear* that Professor Sprout will find out who stole all those first-year quills! AND what they were used for!"  
  
Five seconds later a red-faced Weasley appeared at the door, saying "Shush, Hermione, the others don't know about that.. oomf!" Hermione was dragging Ron down the stairs, muttering about getting to the library and she hoped that she wouldn't get Pansy Parkinson's nose or something...  
  
***  
  
Draco was having a tough time of it.  
  
It was bad enough that Pansy was raving about his new look and had apparently decided to glue herself to his arm, but *everyone else* had also commented on his new hairstyle. "A bit surprising," they generally said, "but I like it."  
  
When Pansy had run her fingers through the messy black hair (apparently, Potter's hair had an aversion to combs... Draco had begun to think only the slobber of the giant boarhound would have any sculpting effect) for the fiftieth time, Draco had had enough. He jerked his arm away, made a rather scathing comment about Pansy's nose, and marched out of the Slytherin common room. Little did he know that his usual Malfoy insults catalyzed something that would later become very important to him: Pansy, distraught over the platitudes regarding her nose, ran to the girls' loo to check her schnozz, only to find something new and rather appealing to her Parkinson tastes.  
  
Draco's first thoughts were to find Potter, but he realized that the idiot had Quidditch practice in the morning. "For gods' sake, does that mean I'm going to have to go through an entire day with this mess?"  
  
It was just then, on the brink of total despair, that Draco had a very smart idea: *go see Snape!*  
  
***  
  
Authors' Notes: I wonder what Snape's going to think about all this... Thanks to all who reviewed! I (the Barn) *promise* that the chapters will get longer... as soon as Oompa starts her input!  
  
-RaistlinofMetallica: Yes... Draco-kun with Potter hair!  
  
-Coeur-de-ma-vie: Thanks for thinking the fic's funny so far! Hopefully it'll get a little funnier before it ends... There are only a few more chapters left, but those will be longer than these!  
  
-Helen: Thanks for the heads-up about the Rictusempra in the CoS game!  
  
-hermionegranger: We're glad you like it! Keep reading and all will be explained in the case of the switching hair...  
  
-Jalee: Draco's grooming habits are very important to him. He must be clean and tidy! A sloppy Malfoy just wouldn't do, right?  
  
-jezzika: Don't worry... the plot will pick up when Draco and Harry actually get together to figure out what happened!  
  
I promise longer chapters, a more developed plot, and loads of dialogue in the upcoming chapters! There should be about three or four more to go... Thanks for reading! 


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